Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in lex_roc's LiveJournal:

Monday, October 25th, 2004
11:41 pm	just laugh it off FUCK my everything hurts. I hate that you turn all the lights off and lock the door on me, even though you know perfectly well that I work every night and get home at 11. fuck you. I hate that you have to be such a hypocrit, and how you're allowed to be upset with me and then pay me back double, AND that you have the nerve to justify it by calling it helpful to a friend in need. fuck you. I hate that I can't wake up and I can't move and I can't work, and that my body is such a bitch... and that I have to step out of myself like that just to have something upon which to place the blame. just... fuck. I hate that I'm not where I want to be, and who I want to be... and that the world has the nerve to laugh it off. [SORE] Lex Current Mood: disappointed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
2:38 pm	bang bang boom! So depression sinks in as I sleep through the signing of the lease to my new townhome and my only class of the day, through french toast and orange juice and through Chris and Josh and my lack of pants. and that sucks, so I decided to make it better: When purging my CD collection (no more Celine Dion or Hanson), I decided that the Moffats would be best left alone. Good choice... DOODODOODOO! and they joined me in my shower, and I realised that I still know all the words... STILL A THEIF FROM THE DAY SHE STOLE MY HEART NOW! fuzzy peach orange toothpaste spit, gross, but amusing all the same... WHAT'S THE STORY, BEHIND THAT DEVIOUS SMILE! best not to headbang while shaving... SHE GOES! and yes, it is possible to headbang to the Moffats... MY HEART GOES BANG BANG BOOM! [AMUSED] Lex Current Mood: amused Current Music: Bang bang boom by the Moffats! (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 20th, 2004
2:04 pm	why don't you fly How long since I last dreamt? and yet the recurring images still mean the same. Clutching frantically at scraps of paper meant to lift me higher. I can feel the strain of my muscles as I push harder and faster: a need to climb higher, drift farther from this exile. The shock of a world unknown, and careless, yet somehow friendlier than the last. The dust which rises from each decaying rung, as you climb up after me. but you can't find me in this busy world... no more than I can find myself. Conflict and pressure, I suppose it's fitting, just maybe a little too tightly. So hold me down as you will, but there's no denying the sun on my back on each nightly flight. [STRESS] Lex Current Mood: quiet Current Music: Dont fly (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 16th, 2004
2:43 pm	moving in I'm a good kisser, and you're a fast learner... but what is the taste of lipgloss to anyone these days anyway? I could complain about the way you complain, and yet it's become hard to tell the difference between insult and compliment. Either way, I'm excited to the point of feeling that shiver in my chest. But this is more important than just a high. it's an out. and an in. and hard. and fast. and scary and exciting and unknown... and the taste of lipgloss may be enough for you, but all of a sudden, I feel a little more grown. November first. [..moving.out..] Lex Current Mood: mature Current Music: Can't help falling in love by Elvis Presley (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 2nd, 2004
6:19 pm	love me harder Pushing fumes into my head. lift me higher love me harder [HARDER] [PUSH] Lex Current Mood: enticed Current Music: Music to fuck to - Portishead (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 14th, 2004
10:50 pm	peanut butter I find myself now, typing peanut butter onto the keys. With celery as an accompaniment to this slightly hopeful (things-cant-get-much-worse) sort of way of trying to glue things back together. I'm doing it myself, and with tools that I personally think may work the best (or like the best). and if there is no helping the broken mess of my life, and no glue to hold it together anymore, then at least it'll still taste good. I'm going to ask you once more, to not yell at me. Your words of disgust do me no good in healing. Hearing from mouth to mouth (to mouth) that you're mad at me for something that DOES NOT CONCERN YOU, does me no good. You're not helping, so stop trying. This is opposite of evidence that you care. I'm a big girl, and perfectly capable of fucking myself without your help. [..tired.of.this..] Lex (Comment on this)
Monday, September 13th, 2004
11:45 am	posessed I want least of all, to have that power over you. ~ What is this feeling, to open my eyes and see that I'm late. A common openning scene for the latest cinematic fuck-up, or the start to a highschool short story, pre-editing. 10:24, and my life is ruined. What makes me open my eyes? What makes it seem like only a second had passed since I closed them? All I can see are those numbers. 10:24 am. and my head just screams at me: GET UP and "how could you think that things would ever change?" and "how dare you miss class?!" and "this will never end, you may as well give up now you mockery of success!" and that demonic whispering that controls every part of my body like the puppeteer God is not "Sleep... just sleep..." These useless tears that sting eyes that have seen too many will never end. This will never end. Where do I go from here? what is there that I can do now? there's no making it better, no appology that heals, and no drugs but the ones that numb. and again the posession urges me that numbing is better than taking the pain. I had hope for this year, but it's already over. [HOPELESS] Lex (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 11th, 2004
7:29 pm	touch me and all i can think right now, is that love conquers nothing. i have no purpose right now. right now, i'm dead. [..dont.touch.me..] Lex (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 4th, 2004
3:25 am	black lace, brazilian cut / waiting I am waiting for you /I am tired so tired in fact that I just hit my head on my computer moniter as I went to sit back down ... I'm such a loser... but I'll wait if necessary, and I think it is tonight /I'm drinking Coke out of a mug because nobody in this house does any of the fucking dishes that I don't make (or any that I do for that matter) please keep me awake /what is perfection and how can I be so for you if I don't know what it is /I keep staring at the window I know I'll jump when I see your face in it /I slept all afternoon and played Sims all night until it crashed on me at which point I snapped out of the daze but I want to be a movie star and I have the skills just not the friendships tragically ironic that both are required how many people in this world sacrifice relationships for work and vice versa hmm yeah, I know you /where are you /what about that bus /what police report /go to sleep I'm being quiet and I'll turn out the lights /"I have every right to fuck your daughter any way that I please." [..necessity.of.tonight..] Lex (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 3rd, 2004
7:25 pm	anxiety Oh it begins... I hate my body, I hate my head, I hate my lack of control, and I hate society for not understanding something I doubt I ever will either. Where are you? I am so [so] afraid to lose it again this time around. I'm afraid. I can't afford to fuck up anymore, I need to stop murdering myself every night. But I still find it hard to take stupidity and irrational school policies seriously. whatever, what happens, happens. [ANXIETY] Lex (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 15th, 2004
7:44 pm	Fighter If you were on a battlefield right now, versus everything... Name Gender MaleFemaleAnimalUnsureRather Not Say Age Lover or a Fighter? Fight for good or evil? For GoodFor EvilFor Neither Battle Cry Weapon of Choice Magnum .500 Appearance Uniform, cautiously aproaching Your Battle Cry... Is a reason for them to surrender Foes slain upon first strike: - 32% What you fight Genetic Experimentations You fight.... Against those you hate This quiz by Ferggs - Taken 25401 Times. </a> New - How do you get a guy to like you? Sure... Lex (Comment on this)
7:05 pm	[TUNDRA] / [BABY] I miss camp. I miss my little bro, and not being alone in my house all the time. Tomorrow's going to be a long drive, hopefully I'll sleep. I keep having to remind myself what I'm driving down there for: Kenny. It's not to bitch at them for ignoring my application [fuckers] it's not to be stared down by the female staff who hate me for my cleavage [bitches] and it's not even to see The Butcher, who has ignored me since I last begged him not to [bastard]... oh gawd am I nervous. I've been planning my outfit for a week, just cause I want to look put together, and succesful, and happy. Of course I'm probably going to roll out of the car, just having woken up with mascara all over my eyes and drool on my chin, lean out the door and vomit down my front. Hey, want me now? I'd be a good fucking counselor! Fuckers. Rosie, you said we'd be good parents... but I'm serious. I want to have a baby. I want to have sex; I want to screw myself and spend all my money on jeans that fit my increasing waistline and tops to hide it; I want people to whisper and roll and their eyes (not like they don't already); I want pity and flowers and cards and a babyshower with stupid games my mother comes up with; I want to push and scream and feel pain for the life of someone other than myself or the [likely] bastard who'll knock me up; I want little hands and little feet and two little eyes to stare up at me; I want to wake up 15 times a night for feedings and random crying fits (not necesarily my own); I want to carry around three different bags of diapers and toys; I want to be stuck in the house tending to a child; I want people to ask me, "how old?" and "what's the name?"; I want to spend all my money on the Gerber co. just to have it flung across the room; I want to be needed... and then I want three more. I want my mother and uncle to take me out to lunch because I managed to breathe, on top of screw up my entire possibility of a career, and waste all of my family's money. Do you think they'd notice me then? Unfortunately, I threw out my name list a long time ago... but I'm sure I'll come up with more. [..not.pregnant..] Lex Current Mood: bitter Current Music: Garbage: this is not my idea of a good time. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 8th, 2004
9:57 pm	So, I'm live? Check, check... 1,2... 1,2... Okay... so I'm at livejournal! and I still don't know how to make anything work, so I know that I probably look like a total amatuer, pretending like I know how to write things online - a livejournal virgin, if you will. I'm still at diaryland of course: lex7075.diaryland.com ... but I figured I'd do the trendy thing and try out a new vent. So let me know how to do funky things to my page, and I'll give you pretty surprises in return ;] can you say sexual favours? ;] yeah I mean you Rosie! [..un.pushed..] Lex (Comment on this)